Friday, December 02, 2005

The Airing of Grievances

This thought came to me on the eve of Thanksgiving; exactly one month before Festivus. It was a 3 strikes night of sorts as I got 'shot down' by three different people - in person as well as electronically. So it got me thinking deep thoughts after I finished my one (and only) beer of the night; as nice as people try to be, there are a number of phrases that I'd rather not hear anymore. I know LSSU has their list of banished words
that comes out at the end of each year, but I'm doing my list of banished phrases... I'm airing my grievances.

Here we go.. add to the list if you'd like.

-"I love you" - It'll be awhile before I try that one again.

-"Let's be friends" - Too much to say here, I can't even comment since I think both parties know it isn't true. It usually leads to the one or both of the next two.

-"You have a great personality" - Usually means not very attractive, but fun to hang with

-"You're a good soul" - See above

-Anything directed my way that contains the word 'sir'. I've been called 'sir' more times last week (2!) than I have all year. Do me a favor and lift up your effin head and look at me before you open your mouth.

-Any sort of apology that follows the 'sir' sentence. Don't bother cuz you're just making it worse.

-"I don't know how to say this without sounding like an asshole, but.. " Okay, you're not an asshole, but.. yknow, I get it. Thanks for waiting 4 weeks before finally saying, without really saying it, that the one night stand was just that. I figured this was only a hetero thing, but apparently it happens on both sides. Hey, I'm good. No worries. Just think twice before your drunk ass calls me at 2AM as much as I didn't mind getting the call. Still.. you're not an asshole.. cuz that was me when I was your age. I get it.

-"So when is it your turn?" - Two of my second cousins got engaged this past weekend (not to each other). One is on my mother's side and I think she'll be 30, and the other is my dad's side and he's only 20!! Not sure when the weddings will be, but I'm sure between now and well past the ceremony I'll be asked this question many times over. I've never come out and told my relatives that I'm gay (not even my parents, but that's a whole nother story), and I'd rather they just figure it out on their own.

-"You look pretty" - Okay, stop right there. 'Pretty' isn't in my vocabulary. I know that I'm a Glamour "don't", that I wear primarily hunter green, navy blue, or grey and khakis, and that I have no fashion sense, but it's best to just not comment. If you must, assume the new wardrobe is from REI. Start there and let me run with the conversation.

-"You've lost weight!" - So wrong in many ways. It may not look it, but I spent most of September eating hint of lime Tostitos and B&J cookie dough.. which I will point out has 25% less sugar, fat, and calories than the regular flavor.

If it's not that obvious yet.. I don't take complements well, I'm on the rebound.. apparently I look like a dude, and I'm a bit bitter.

Happy (early) Festivus.


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