Monday, May 29, 2006

"Dear John..."

I got this type of email over the weekend. It was a bit out of the blue, as most Dear John letters/emails are.. I guess that's the point, eh?

The thing is, I can't bring myself to read it.

It's been.. what, six months?

In this time I've had my ups and downs. A few more downs than ups, but I always resurface. We last saw each other in March when I reaquired the tent and sleeping pads. I knew I had a few more things of hers, so I sent her an email reminding her that I had them and would give them back at her earliest convenience. I think that was around Easter. I figured I wouldn't hear from her, so it was no surprise that I didn't. I moved on. Whatever.

So I get this email. I started to read it, but couldn't get past the first few paragraphs that I had skimmed.

Think about reading a bad review from your boss at work.
Think about reading a list of your faults.. your failures.. your mistakes.. everytime you were late.. didn't say you were sorry.. 'thank you'.. 'you look nice today'..
Think about every miscue whether you thought it was one or not.. because, I'll be damned, if it didn't matter then, it sure as hell matters now.. 10 times over, at that.
Think about every gift and every card and letter.. how you toiled over them trying put pen to paper your heart and soul. Not the best conversationalist or well versed by any means, nor the next Elizabeth Barrett Browning. All tossed aside. Forgotten. Your age, or lackthereof, shows along with you lack of education.

Not only does it show.. it is all magnified.

And I could barely get through the first few paragraphs, so I just moved it. It's enough to feel shitty about myself when the feelings are brought on by myself, but when it's someone that I "let in" that's beating me down.. I can't take it.

So I did what one of my faults is, which has been pointed out to me time and time again, I withdraw. I view not reading the rest of the email as withdrawing. Not being able to stand up for myself. Admitting my faults.. my failures. I can take it if it's done in a civilized way, but spew this shit at me with a virtual baseball bat to the head and you're damn right I'm going to hunker down in a corner in the fetal position until it's over.

When will it be over? Amicable split.. my ass. When I'm able to read the rest of the email? Hell, who knows what else was said... right now, I don't care. I need to pull myself out of the corner, tend to my wounds, and move on..



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